Conspiracy Theories – Special Edition

It might be down to the fact I rarely get more than three hours of sleep, but I am not a morning person. Others may bounce with Tigger cheer just after dawn, but I struggle to glue myself together before 9am. While I am often awake to hear the early morning quarrels of the geese outside and the chug-chug-chug of a passing canal boat add to a soundscape dominated by John Humphrys’ acerbic scorn, everything is muffled. It all seems to be happening in a dimension I am aware of, but not part of. Before my second cup of tea, the bundles of neurons that make up my white matter seem insulated not with myelin, but cotton wool.

Therefore when shouts went up that the post had brought a parcel from Seoul, I did not leap from my bed to shred brown paper and cardboard. At that point I only vaguely knew my name was David Southwell. It took at least another 15 minutes to remember I was occasionally an author and the package on the kitchen table was probably the latest edition of Conspiracy Theories to come out in South Korea. At this point, I began moving from bed to kitchen at Flash speed.

At every step of the process, I have been impressed by my Korean publisher Imago. Less than three weeks ago I emailed over an exclusive new preface for this book and now, with shimmering timing, they had delivered two copies into my hands making for a wonderful Christmas Eve gift. Beyond creating copies of the book at a pace even the Scarlet Speedster would approve of, Imago have delighted me with their design and quality standards. The new Imago version comes in at more than 550 pages, has better use of photographs and the luxury of embossed, glossy, black-on-black titles on the cover. To me it is a thing of beauty.

Best of all is the title given to the new version: Conspiracy Theories – Special Edition. I never thought I would see one of my books with the words ‘Special Edition emblazoned across the front. I feel like a film director getting to release a director’s cut DVD set.

The Fluid Beauty of Hangul Script

For the first time in my career as a writer, Imago – my Korean publisher – has given me the chance to create exclusive content for a foreign translation of one of my books. Opening up my inbox this morning at 7:30 and seeing that the 1, 000 word preface for the new Korean Edition of Conspiracy Theories met with my editor’s approval delivered a little bit of authorial buzz. It not only gave me a sense of being read, alleviating the usual suspicion of working in the dark and going unnoticed, it allowed me a new sense of wonder about my life in language.

Here were words written specially for a place I have never seen. Words written specifically to give me a voice in a tongue I have not mastered. Words written to be transformed into the fluid beauty of Hangul script.

I was going to post the original English version of the new preface on the blog. However, I have decided against it. I like the idea that some of my words are unique for Korea.

Secrets & Lies Korean Style

The temporary break in the Royal Mail strike has meant post being delivered canalside again. Now any package that does not contain dubious chemicals is reason for joy, but one unexpected parcel this morning had me dancing while still in my boxer shorts. Given it had my publisher's logo stamped all over it, I knew it was safe to rip open, but I was not expecting what dropped onto the table – a Korean edition of Secrets & Lies. The slip from my editor simply said with wonderfully precise irony: ‘Your fame spreads!’

Shamefully lacking any fluency Korean, I have no idea how my name translates or whether they have kept in my song nods in the picture captions. It would be shame if the references to The Ruts (Babylon Is Burning), Bowie (Station To Station) and Stiff Little Fingers (Alternative Ulster) have all been lost. Then again, given I am not sure how big Luke Haines’ exquisite Baader Meinhof project was in South Korea, it might only be a loss to one soul in Seoul.

There is one thing I can say with absolute certainty about Secrets & Lies Korean style: it looks beautiful. The cover is fabulously eccentric. Does having Harold Wilson, the tail of an Apatosaurus and an upside down George W. Bush grasping John Kerry sell books in South Korea? Having a pipe smoking Cary Grant and a praying Bill Gates on the back certainly works for me.

Inside it is almost as if a manga-influence runs through the 456 pages. Halftone dots and dashes of gravure effect as design elements, pictures erupting with the impact of a good graphic novel splash. The layout simultaneously gives my words both kinetic energy and gravitas. Even the backpage flap advertising the Korean edition of Conspiracy Theories reminds me of the ‘Next issue’ trailer used by DC. I adore it.

Don’t Tase Me, Bro!

This is the first time that I have incorporated a YouTube video into a post on English Dreaming, English Rain. However, it is an important video in terms of reflecting our current culture and I am posting it here despite the fact it has already become an incredibly successful meme. (Thank you to the dozen or so people who took the time to send it me). People often ask me why I bother to write about conspiracies and parapolitics. The truthful answer at its most simple is this: while 95% of all conspiracies are bullshit, the 5% that are not matter.

I have also always said that the 5% should also be an antidote to your passivity. The 5% should make you prepared to do something about those forces that conspire against all of us even if they only conspire to shoot just one man.
The video shows what happens when Andrew Meyer, a University of Florida student, does something about what he believes to be a conspiracy. Something as simple and innocuous as asking questions of a politician in a public forum. If I can be forgiven the bad pun, most people find what happens to him shocking, though as a hardened, parapolitical sceptic I am far from surprised.

Once you have seen the video, you can debate whether Meyer is a bit of an arse, but it is clear the only threat he posed was as an annoyance. In my judgement, he was just trying to exercise his mythical First Amendment rights and ask exactly the questions I would want to put to John Kerry. Pranks can be more than just entertainment; they are often a legitimate form of symbolic sabotage to the Empire of Symbols. Given the potential lethality of Tasers, it seems that asking about the Skulls and Bones is now to be considered a crime punishable by possible lethal force.

At least the coverage generated will benefit nascent Meyer’s comedy career. It will also ensure he does not spend too long incarcerated in Alachua County (the type of hellhole jail I have nightmares about visiting if I return to America). Already on t-shirts and destined to be trivialised by being his catchphrase, ‘Don’t Tase me, Bro!’ ought to be a reminder that the last thing those in ever power want are individual citizens asking for straight answers over the conspiracies that can be proven and proven to matter.

‘Don’t Tase me, Bro!’ should also serve as a warning to those in the Con-sensual resistance movement. Unless it can ditch the unproven bullshit and demonstrate the relevance of their research to the wider populace, no-one will be rushing to help them. No one is going to raise a protest when the police Taser them for asking questions about HAARP, the DRA’s Dorchester secrets or the AI component of Magistrand. The end result of allowing those we need to question to make the C-word dirty is going to be that they deliver 50,000-volts of hurt to all us annoyances with even greater ease.

A Rich Background of Distant Sirens and Growling Dogs

I have had a number of requests for more information about a recent podcast I did referred to by some commentators on this blog. For those of you interested in hearing an ill man talking conspiracy theories, struggling to say the word compartmentalised and explaining why I will never forget the death of Alex Litvinenko – all to a rich background of distant sirens and growling dogs – go to: http://www.occultofpersonality.com/2007/08/22/podcast-24-david-southwell/

Thanks so much to Greg for giving me so much time to ramble and rant like the dangerous lunatic I so clearly am. I owe him extra special thanks for ensuring that this is the first interview I have ever done that closes with the amazing sound of Junior Murvin’s Police and Thieves. My appearances on News at Ten were never like this.