Thursday, September 18, 2008

Boogled

Google Analytics is always fun. Aside from telling me I remain unloved in Greenland, a cult of one in Palestine, but surprisingly popular Patagonia, there is the warm glow which comes from knowing that I am widely read in Texas. Bill would be proud of me.

Of course, the biggest joy provided by Google Analytics is seeing which surreal searches have pushed people towards English Dreaming, English Rain. My favourites over the last few weeks include: ‘Michael Keaton sightings’, ‘celebrities and their Dobermans’ and ‘duck herding Essex’. However nothing quite tops ‘Kyle McLaughlin pursued by a bear’.

If my mind was not already boggling at though of Agent Cooper stumbling onto the darkness at hidden in the song Teddy Bears Picnic*, then it would definitely be boggled at some of the desperate searches for niche porn captured by analytic software. ‘Dirty pissing,’ ‘leather glove wank story’ and ‘Timotei advert girl fuck’ are probably all pretty standard things. Yet broadminded as I am, there is still surprise in finding people hit my blog looking for ‘Dame porn’, ‘wanking with ribbons’ or ‘badger sex pictures’.

David Icke and Anne-Marie Forker remain ever popular searches, though it is probably best not to interrogate some of the Boolean logic attached to their names by some researchers. There are cases with both of them where I think I need to move beyond the standard boggling and invent a new word, possibly boogled.

The biggest shocks and laughter came from those trying to answer really hard questions. ‘Is Stephen Grasso evil?’ ‘Is English jazz dead?’ ‘Where in the world is David Southwell? The chance of EDER ever being able to answer those imponderables remains slightly less than that of Southend United winning the UEFA Cup.

*Trust me, it is there. I can rumble the line: ‘If you go down to the woods today you are sure for a big surprise’ with such bear menace it makes children cry.

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Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Searching for ‘Cockney Urine’

Google Analytics remains grand fun. The cryptic messages delivered via may have it stopped after I complained about enigmatic buggering around, but it keeps delivering both insight and amusement. There is something very gratifying about learning the average visitor from Russia spends 14 minutes and 28 seconds reading this blog.

It is also gratifying to see I am regular read by 47 of the 50 States making up the United States. I am not quite sure why the citizens of Idaho, Wyoming and North Dakota are immune to my charms, but I refuse to dwell on the puzzle. Any hint of sadness over this snub is eased by the warm tingle of knowing English Dreaming, English Rain is truly trans-national. With readers drawn from 53 countries, people stopping by from more than a 1,000 locations worldwide, tears over a trio of American laggards would be misplaced.

Among the more interesting searches casting unexpected people upon my shore so far this month are ‘what is a cult author’, ‘reptilians in British soaps’ 'lawyers for Charlie Richardson’ and ‘is Jello Biafra Jewish’. Anyone searching for ‘first class butt fuck’, ‘David Icke representative of God’ or ‘Nigella Lawson porn’ almost certainly went away disappointed. However, I would like to hope those searching for ‘Cockney Urine’, ‘Britannia Inferior’ and ‘Essexmania’ took something of value away with them.

In recent days, eight different visitors arrived at my blog after searching for my ex-fiancée Anne-Marie Forker. I am sure there will have been dissatisfied. There are few mentions in this blog of her photography or her human rights studies. Writing for me is exorcism, so they will probably be a even more disappointed when I eventually get around to using words to externalise the night I suffered a minor stroke and was left on the kitchen floor or the weekend of the dead kittens. At the time I unfairly blamed her for much of what happened. These days, I carry the guilt and blame myself. The wisdom of realising that things only happen to us if we allow them to is hard won. Pain is often the best teacher.

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Friday, November 16, 2007

Enigmatic Buggering Around

Google Analytics is a wonderful little bit of software. Not only does it tell me that on November 5th nine searches were made for the "David Southwell vs. David Icke" while only one person was looking for "David Southwell's Coal Hole Club", it continues to provide fascinating insights. Beyond letting me know which ex girlfriends bother to check English Dreaming, English Rain and that I have two regular readers in Peru, it is so versatile some souls have begun to use it for sending me cryptic messages.

Of theses analytic messengers, only Dickon bothers to sign his keyword trails (though it is not too hard to work out where the message “David Southwell Black Star salutes you” might originate from). Reading these messages, there is only one big mystery: why bother? It is beyond me why the person writing: "David Southwell Big Secret Dorchester", "David Southwell Dorchester Can Supply Co-ordinates" and "David Southwell Investigate Dorchester" cannot just use an old school cypherpunk remailer like everyone else. It is probably age related, but I have no patience with enigmatic buggering around these days.

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Friday, October 05, 2007

David Icke

Below is a draft, un-edited extract from the new version of Conspiracy Files released in England, Wales and Scotland this week.

DAVID ICKE
Few figures in the world of conspiracy theory research cause more polar extremes of reaction than David Icke. Like some types of food, it seems you either love or loathe him. There does not seem to be any neutral ground where Icke is concerned.


Many sober, serious parapolitics investigators who hate any mention of aliens, secret occult societies and long-disproved mega-conspiracies blaming all the world’s ills on just one group will froth at the mouth if he is mentioned. At the other end of the conspiracy spectrum among those who have rejected most ideas relating to consensual reality, he is hailed as a hero. To this group, his talk of the late British Queen Mother being a form of humanoid reptilian existing at a higher dimensional level is a sign of bravery, not a sign he should be restricted to a lunatic asylum.


In my former role as a journalist, I have interviewed David Icke and formed my own opinion on him. Given Icke’s profile in conspiracy circles, it also has been hard to miss his often apparently bizarre statements and interesting speculations. However, in 2004, something happened that changed my view of David Icke and his self-proclaimed role since 1990 to expose “who and what is really controlling the world.”


Every researcher into conspiracies and parapolitics should have at least a couple of spooks – agents of the secret services – amongst their sources of information. While you have to expect a certain amount of disinformation alongside the usual bar room bragging, spooks are often able to provide interesting leads and help confirm the veracity of information. It was while drinking with a spook in a London bar I first learned Icke was the victim of an odd rumour campaign. Although I had met my source to gain help in confirming whether the CIA had sunk a ship in the river Thames in 1964, my spook contact brought up the subject of Icke.


During the course of the next few minutes he outlined an outlandish conspiracy theory in which he claimed David Icke was working for MI5. The source claimed Icke was deliberately promoting fantastic assertions that the bloodlines of powerful families such as those of President Bush and Queen Elizabeth II were linked to reptilian humanoids to purposefully discredit the whole field of conspiracy research. By making such peculiar claims, his alleged paymasters hoped more straightforward areas of conspiracy investigation would be tainted with an air of the ludicrous in the eyes of the public.


At first I took this as a one-off comment, a peculiar aberration from a usually reliable source. However, other authors had heard similar whispers. In fact, some conspiracy theorists had already begun publicly discussing claims of Icke’s involvement with the British security services. When talking about the issue they made the reasonable point that MI5 have a track record of infiltrating the conspiracy community. MI5 do this partly as they need to keep track on certain rampant crypto-fascists within parapolitical research and partly because it is wise to monitor those trying to monitor you. As the CIA have shown over the years in ufology, it can also often be useful to use a conspiracy theorist to discredit a subject and spread misleading rumours.


If there were a secretly orchestrated campaign to make David Icke look like a MI5 puppet, it would only be the latest instalment in a life that often looks like the unfolding of a surreal soap opera. David Icke had certainly made an incredible journey. His first career was as a professional footballer, keeping goal for Coventry City before a leg injury finished his playing days. He turned to journalism and eventually became a sports reporter and then anchorman for the BBC. At the height of his fame, he left television to become an activist for the Green Party. In 1990, Icke received a number of messages from a medium. When he revealed these to colleagues in the Green Party he was banned from speaking on their behalf. By 1991 he had gone public with a number of his controversial views – such as his “I am a channel for the Christ spirit” – and became a subject of national public ridicule.


Although it is acknowledged by many researchers that Icke has unearthed some interesting facts to support some of his conspiracy ideas on areas such as 9/11, he has also often relied on material thoroughly disproved to have a basis in reality. He has repeated claims made by a man called Mark Phillips about the existence of a mind control programme to produce child sexual slaves for senior US politicians. Needless to say, Mark Phillips has never been able to produce any objective proofs of his claims or even his alleged career in the CIA. It is hard to doubt that Icke’s promotion of these views along with his talk of reptilian humanoids has cast a shadow of media derision over some elements of conspiracy research.


THE STRANGE PART
If as many like to portray him, David Icke were a mere lunatic who has wandered so far off the map of reality he is almost beyond ridicule, why would anyone bother to indulge in a campaign to undermine him? Surely his quoting of highly dubious sources and belief in the reality of hyper-dimensional reptilian humanoids raise enough obstacles to creditability for the average person exposed to his work? It is strange the slander about him being an agent of disinformation seems designed to cause most harm to his reputation with the thousands of people who buy his books and attend his public lectures. If Icke is a threat to no-one and speaking rubbish, who would bother to try and further denigrate his reputation?


THE USUAL SUSPECTS

REPTILIAN HUMANOIDS
Some conspiriologists back David Icke’s ideas about the world being controlled by higher-dimensional reptilian humanoids working through the prominent families and secret societies. They claim any slander or attempt to smear Icke is the work of these reptilian humanoids working through their global network of human agents.


BRITISH ROYAL FAMILY
Icke has made repeated claims that some members of British royal family we perceive as human are in fact secretly lizard people. If you were in the position of power enjoyed by Queen Elizabeth II and were fed up with a former footballer calling you and your late mother lizards, what would you do? Get agents in your security services to try and discredit the miscreant perhaps?


MI5
Fed up with Icke accusing them of working on behalf of lizard paymasters and sticking his nose into their operations, MI5 may have spontaneously taken it upon themselves to start rumours about one thing they knew would hurt any conspiracy researcher – working for them.


THE UNUSUAL SUSPECTS


LEFT-WING CONSPIRIOLOGISTS
Conspiracy researchers with a left-wing bias have regularly attacked Icke for bringing ridicule to the whole field of parapolitcal research. They have also criticised his links to authors such Eustace Mullins who once wrote a book entitled ‘The Biological Jew’. A secret cabal of left-wing conspiriologists would certainly seem to have motivation for orchestrating a campaign against Icke.


ANTI-JEWISH DEFAMATION CAMPAIGNERS
Numerous anti-Jewish defamation groups have accused Icke of anti-Semitism. They have protested at his conferences, thrown custard pies at him and claimed when he talks about lizards, he is really talking about Jews. Icke has always rigorously denied their allegations and they have not impacted on his growing popularity. Could elements of anti-Jewish defamation groups have changed tactics in an attempt to discredit someone they view as dangerously anti-Semite?


MOST CONVINCING EVIDENCE
In the years following Icke’s public ridicule in 1991, he has recovered some of his reputation. He was the subject of the 2007 TV documentary David Icke: Was He Right? and The Waterboys’s song ‘Sympathy For David Icke’ was written in his honour. Icke has produced more than 20 books on spirituality and his belief in a global conspiracy, attracting a worldwide following for his ideas. It was only after a growing number of people began to take seriously his pronouncements about 9/11 and the ‘War on Terror’ being the result of a conspiracy that rumours about him being an agent of disinformation began. It was also only at the point he was enjoying a new surge in popularity that he faced other obstacles to promoting his views such as a legal fight for ownership of 16 books he had written.


MOST MYSTERIOUS FACT
Several conspiratorial predictions made by Icke have ended up looking like prophecy. In January 2001 he wrote: ‘Don’t be surprised if the United States finds itself in another manipulated war during this administration. You will see monsters being created in the public mind to justify such action’ also adding ‘before 2002 the United States will suffer a major attack on a large city’. He had already predicted in 1998: ‘There will a plan to start a Third World War by stimulating the Muslim world into a holy war against the West.’


SCEPTICALLY SPEAKING
Stripped of its stranger trappings, David Icke’s message seems to be we should wake to the lies told by our leaders and defeat the ills of the world through love. It is easy to see how anyone preaching that humanity is systematically exploited, hypnotised by television and needs love to overthrow the illusions holding it prisoner could be seen as a dangerous radical by those in power. It would be far more suspicious if there were no trace of an anti-David Icke campaign – that really would smack of him being either totally irrelevant or acting on hidden orders. Besides, to be slandered by some conspiriologists and British spooks should be taken as huge badge of honour.

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Wednesday, May 02, 2007

The New Conspiracy Files

It is official. I am now working on an update of Conspiracy Files. This news will horrify anyone who wants me to work for a ‘publisher that pays the talent fairly’ or see me produce a novel. When those conspiracy buffs that are fans of my work actually get to read the new book, they might be horrified as well.

I have decided to tackle head-on some of the flawed conjectures often considered as sacred tenets by the conspiriologist community. Given this may be my last traditional conspiracy book, certain things have to be said. The time has come to talk about the Okhrana origins of The Protocols of the Elders of Zion. This is the work where I can no longer dodge discussing Lyndon LaRouche Jnr. or David Icke.

When the new Conspiracy Files is published, hate mail and letters from the green crayon brigade are bound to find me fast. The jade missives are guaranteed to be virulent if the lawyers let me print half of what I want to say. However, I just hope the GBC are all I have to worry about after I have written about one of my former sources – Alexander Litvinenko.

Among the pictures I have requested for the new book are: ‘An illustration of the ancient god Moloch’, ‘A snap of Jeremiah Duggan as a floppy haired student before his murder, preferably the one in a silly striped jumper using one of his hands to shade his eyes’ and ‘The classic photograph of an emaciated, bald Litvinenko dying in his London hospital bed’. Baldness seems to be something of a theme in my photo requests as I also ask for: ‘Shot of bald-headed members of the Manson Family outside the court during his trial’.

Asking for odd pictures goes with covering the territory. I am used to writing up slightly bonkers picture reference lists. However, even I never expected to be requesting either Bryan Hitch Chitauri, Doctor Who Silurians, Buckaroo Banzai Lectroids or a reptilian-humanoid from V as an illustration. Scales are the price you pay for dancing with David Icke.

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